We live in challenging times. Social and political divisiveness and strain have taken a toll on our collective well-being. We’ve found ourselves struggling to make sense of our changing world as we grieve what it is we thought to be true and adjust to emerging and unfamiliar routines and norms. Despite all the uncertainty we’re going through, however, one thing has remained constant: the desire for human connection. Particularly within the context of our most intimate and romantic relationships, our skills, patience, and resiliency have undoubtedly been tested.
I’m on a mission…one relationship at a time…to restore hope in love. Let’s put an end to the senseless debate about who we love and focus our efforts on how we love.
As a psychotherapist with almost three decades of experience working with all types of romantic relationships, it’s my observation that the key to success is really quite simple. Making a thoughtful decision about who and what you want and putting in the work to build trust and intimacy in a relationship will create a solid foundation that withstands and endures life’s inevitable ups and downs.
With these concepts in mind, please allow my introduction of “The Four C’s of Relationships”. The Four C’s of Relationships is my interpretation of how the happiest and most fulfilling relationships discover a true and lasting passion that can endure a lifetime.
CHEMISTRY
Simply put, a strong relationship begins with a healthy dose of both physical and emotional chemistry. When your senses are activated (sight, touch, smell, taste, sound) and the interaction leaves you wanting more, you’ve discovered a potentially good mate. It may sound a bit primitive, but that’s exactly how it’s intended. Listen to yourself and respond openly and honestly to what you think and feel during your time together. Consider if the interaction and interest is mutual to determine compatibility and potential. It’s okay to be picky; in fact, it’s encouraged. Don’t be discouraged if, as the saying goes, you have to kiss a few or more toads. Each kiss can help you learn more about your preferences. Trust your instincts, remain open to exploring, and above all be yourself. Confidence and self-awareness are attractive. And the good news is that there is truly someone for everyone.
COMMUNICATION
It can be so simple yet sometimes we make it so hard. From the initial phases of getting to know someone, be upfront about what you’re looking for in a relationship, even if you’re not sure and simply exploring. Too often, a developing relationship turns negative or complicated when expectations are unclear. Remember too that communication is learned and no two individuals experience the same developmental influences on how to engage with another both verbally and non-verbally. It’s important that you remain true to your own style while listening to and regarding that of another. Regretfully, people oftentimes hold on to long-held patterns of ineffective and potentially damaging patterns of interaction. While there are basic skill-building strategies to help individuals resolve past hurts and learn new ways to communicate effectively with one another, every relationship is different and benefits from unique approaches to building or re-building trust, understanding, and intimacy. There are no limits to what can and should be discussed between you and your romantic partner or partners. Honest, direct dialogue is the cornerstone of emotional and physical health for any relationship.
COMPROMISE
Alright…not our favorite thing to do, but in almost every aspect of a relationship compromise is critical for harmony, contentment, and satisfaction. From the initial, formative steps involved in building a foundation to the on-going demands and challenges facing a relationship, all parties must communicate wants and needs openly and honestly in order to negotiate and navigate an agreeable lifestyle. Of course, this means you won’t always get what you want, but at the same time it’s important that you get enough of what you want to create a sense of mutuality and balance. Keep in mind the basic concept of “give and take”. You win some; you lose some. Take some risks to reveal what is true for you, maintain a compassionate stance when hearing what is true for others, and don’t agree to something you don’t really mean which will likely lead to strain and resentment. Compromise is a part of life, and when done well, can provide significant returns on your investment.
COMMITMENT
This is where many face their biggest challenge but the real rewards for tough work are realized. Once you’ve communicated openly and honestly about your wants and needs for the relationship and compromises have effectively been established, you’re set to go. It’s now about behaving in ways that are thoughtful and determined. Commitment will lead to trust, security, and unlimited potential for growth emotionally and physically in a relationship. In many ways, a relationship is like a contract. As with any contract, agreements are binding until circumstances change. If you find yourself having a change of heart or mind related to the terms of your relationship, it’s important to be forthcoming and communicate what is going on for you. Life is unpredictable and, as a normal human being, you are fallible and capable of making poor decisions at a time of self-doubt or vulnerability. Unfortunately, certain actions can be hurtful if not fatal to a relationship. If trust is breached by either you or your romantic other, it’s time to assess damage and create a plan for recovery, which most often means resolving a betrayal and re-negotiating the terms of the relationship assuming both parties are willing and able. While you’re capable of making mistakes, you’re also capable of forgiveness and change. In the best of circumstances, a broken relationship can mend in a way which clarifies and strengthens the connection. It’s important to remain open to possibilities and, as always, maintain hope.
So there they are…the 4 C’s of Relationships. Whether you seek to find that ultimate love, whether you’re recovering from a betrayal in your relationship, or whether you struggle to maintain that chemistry that brought you together in the first place, you can achieve success in your romantic relationship. Consider it a challenge. Give some thought to the 4 C’s. When it comes to the one you love, are you living up to your potential?
Douglas Jensen, MSW, LICSW is a Board Certified Diplomat in Clinical Social Work with a private psychotherapy practice based in the Twin Cities.
Jensen L Douglas 